Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Not falling back into old habits
So this journey so far has already taught me so much. The 'old Rachel' would normally fall back on the things that comforted her when she was sad or stressed or angry...food, cigarettes, alcohol....not necessarily in that order. The death of a friend or family member, the dissolution of a relationship, the stress levels of her job...all of these would drive the 'old Rachel' to drink, smoke, and eat. But something happened last night that made me realize that the 'old Rachel' is being replaced by a new, better Rachel. Last night, I went and worked out with Judith and Jen and raced home to cook dinner and start watching Monday Night Football....for those of you that don't know, I'm a Dallas Cowboy fan and last night they played against the Philadelpia Eagles. So needless to say, I was excited to get home and watch the game. I rushed inside once I got home and asked my mom to quick change the channel so I could see what the score was. Then I rushed upstairs, got dinner cooked and down to the basement I went to watch the rest of the game. In my first blog, I talked about the things that have led me to this path. A boy who broke my heart. Well, that boy was on my mind a lot last night. You see, he's a Cowboys fan also. And we used to text each other during the games or watch the game together. One of the first times I hung out with him was on a Sunday night during which the Eagles beat the Cowboys three years ago. It made me sad. I had no one to text during the game and was acting a big fool screaming and yelling at the tv all by myself. It made me miss him. I have been so busy working out these past six or seven weeks that I haven't really had time to think about him...let alone miss him. But I did last night. And so after the game, I went upstairs to get my food ready for today and I told my mom how I was feeling. The comment she made was "Now, don't go eating wrong!" (She also talked to me about everything else but that comment just goes to show she knows the 'old Rachel' better than I do!!) But I didn't eat wrong. I just made my lunch with tears streaming down my face, missing him. Then I stopped crying and went downstairs proud that I didn't feel the need to smoke, drink or eat just because I was having a bad half hour. This journey is helping me learn how to deal with things that happen in my life on my own and without a crutch. I don't need to eat or drink or smoke to "fix" me. Don't get me wrong - there will be times that I will eat something that isn't part of the plan....I will have some drinks every once in a while....I WON'T smoke but I'll want to. But I am really becoming stronger...physically and emotionally. I can't thank Judith enough for the opportunities she's given me. I can't be more grateful to the people that I've met that support and encourage me and are always there for me. And to all my friends that I haven't seen in what seems like years.....thanks for leaving your comments, supporting and encouraging me and most of all....for understanding why I'm not around right now. I love you all!